Mulan 2020 Roast

I remember first seeing the trailer. You know, the one that revealed the existence of a bird lady. I thought I was just going to have a great time at the theater with a bunch of weebs, watching My Hero Academia: Heroes Rising. I was not ready to be absolutely appalled by a trailer.

So... the long awaited Mulan remake that no one asked for finally hit Disney+ after about half a year of delay due to this pandemic (sigh). After the news that Li Shang and Mushu wasn't going to make an appearance, the movie was exactly what expectant movie watchers had anticipated: bland and pointless. Let me break it down.

Characters:

Mulan

Who is she really?

Mulan is a regular girl. She cares for her family in ways a regular, family honoring way. All she wanted to do was go in her father's place, because her father was old, and she only had an older sister and brother too young to go to war. And when the war was over, all she cared about was going back home to her family.

What the animated movie did well:

Mulan here was a regular girl, even if she had trouble fitting in with the status quo and failing the Matchmaker test. Just to spice things up, she was adventurous and creative (as seen when feeding chickens with little brother, the dog OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED). This character trait helped in three major ways: Her passing the test when climbing up the pole, then at the battlefield, and last when infiltrating the imperial palace to fight the bad guys. She's creative, and uses it as an advantage compared to her fellow male soldiers, who rely solely on brute strength.

What 2020 messed up:

Mulan was essentially a superhero movie. She had chi, which allowed her to climb up walls and fly and such, from a young age. Sorry, hon, chi isn't supernatural or magic, it's just energy flow. Anyways, this is what sets her apart from the other soldiers. While men have brute strength, Mulan here has more brute strength. Instead of a pole to climb, it was a mountain they had to climb up with two buckets of water. Mulan passed by "not hiding her chi anymore" and using brute strength to climb that mountain.

Another thing that was highly important was the father daughter relationship. In the animated movie, they had a bond. Her father loved her very much and wanted to be a good daughter. She also cared for her father, which meant when the draft came, she had a reason to go in his place. With that relationship too, Mulan carries her father's values with her into the army. She wants to save China because that's what her father values, even if China wanted to kill her for breaking the law.

In the live action movie, she just wants to go. Her father had told her that she was to hide her chi and honor her family by being matched, things she didn't want to do. So she ran away to join the army. In the army, she could finally be free to use her chi and flex on her fellow soldiers. As for me, that doesn't give me much of a reason for why Mulan wanted to save the emperor so much. Everybody in her life had told her no. So why save the country that hates her?

Mushu + Lucky Cricket / Phoenix

Everybody loved Mushu. So why take him out? Why, it's because he was funny, and in this live action movie, it's serious and angsty. There's no room for comedy.

So we get this... bird

It flies around several times, for various reasons.

Quote: "Do you know why the phoenix sits on the right hand of the emperor? She is his guardian, his protector. And she is both beautiful and strong. Your job is to bring honor to the family. Do you think you can do that?"- Father

This was right after he tells Mulan to hide her chi. The only lawful way to bring honor is to marry a good man. It's not like the father wanted her to go to war. What does the dad want?! I'm so confused. Well, that's the phoenix's first appearance.

The second time (that of what I remember, I refuse to watch this movie again) she had been traveling for a long time to get to camp. The phoenix flies in to guide her towards he destination. Sure... ok.

The third time, was right after her fight with the witch, where she was hit with the dagger. I liked that scene. More on that later.

The fourth time, she was engaged in a fierce battle wit the main baddie, and it was a "cool" shot of the phoenix wings sprouting out from behind her. Sure symbolism and what not but really? I did not like that scene. No more on that.

The fifth time (or i was hallucinating, I can't quite remember) does it show up at the very end? If so, wow, what a drama queen.

Why the Lucky Cricket was a better character than this Phoenix.

Lucky Cricket was a good luck charm. Not a very good one, obviously, but they were intended by the grandmother to be one for Mulan. From screwing up the Matchmaker meeting, to sending Mulan's whole legion into a possible massacre, yeah, not so lucky. But Cricket helps lead Mulan down her path (better than the phoenix ho ho ho). There was a moment when Mulan releases luck, willingly going where she wants to without the help of the cricket. She did everything with her own determination and hard work. She didn't need luck. Mulan succeeded on her own.

Li Shang

Look at this sexy man.

He was great. Why? Because he stood out. He was the leader, a sexy one with a personality. And so we all fell for him. We saw him care for Mulan even when she was a "man", impressed with her improvement, sharing sorrow, as well as happiness with her. Definitely bi. Fight me.

Sadly, he was replaced by two mediocre, C grade men.

The commander, some old dude who was good at swinging a sword around, and a forced love interest.

It wasn't even good. The first time he and Mulan engaged in a bit of a fisticuffs, it was obvious he was the "love interest". He just looked better than the other soldiers. Then, when he talked about how he would never find a girl because he doesn't know how to talk to them, and she replies with a "just talk to them as you would talk to me." Well, that signed the marriage documents. Other than that, there was no chemistry between the two.

I don't want to talk about him anymore.

The witch

Where do I even start.

I hated her.

The movie starts off, showing her endless powers by taking out a whole village of soldiers single handedly. Then they have the audacity to say that she's under the grasps of a brooding boy-man who wants to avenge his father's death and all he can do is run up walls? This witch could snap his neck with less than a blink and yet we are supposed to believe she's being controlled by him. Ok, Disney.

Then, the witch goes and fights Mulan with the intent to kill, only to meet up with her in private and share the true plan of her master. Through it all, it only felt like an exchange of words, not some emotional turning point for both parties present. And then she SACRIFICES herself. And with that super long shot of Mulan cradling her in her arm, I'm supposed to CARE?! She did nothing, and everything she did do was dramatically unnecessary. Haha, I'll just pretend to be the emperor when you show up, and then I'll fly slowly to where the emperor is because I'm Intelligence.

Side note:

Oh my god what if the witch was a long lost older sister or something? Gives them a reason to bond on being chi witches and makes things be more personal. I mean, Mulan doesn't have a younger sister; she has an older sister. I'm clearly a genius. ORRR just get rid of chi.

List of scenes I hated with a passion:

• The beginning scene, where she runs atop roofs to chase a chicken. It's stupid. All that set up is that she's careless, and a superhuman. It established her peak characterization, with no build up. That's her, and her father tells her to hide it. So she says fuck that and joins the army. Oh and then the running on roof is paralleled with when she runs after the witch later on. It wasn't a "oh that's clever" moment, more of a "that again?"

• The first attack by the witch had no blood.

• The Matchmaker scene. In the animated movie, the matchmaker didn't see the cricket, and bringing the cricket in was Mulan's fault. She had a reason to hide it. In the remake, a spider appears out of nowhere.

• Soldier camp montage was bull. Sometimes, they're good, sometimes they suck ass. there were perfectly choreographed fighting interjected with some flavorless slapstick comedy. I hated it.

• Mulan's fight with Love interest (I don't know his name ok?) where she reveals her chi and finds out that as a man it's ok to show her chi. It establishes that as a man with chi, you're cool and manly, but a woman of chi is disgraceful and a witch. Like what does that say about being a woman in society who excels in a "masculine" skill?

• Mulan muscling up the mountain with her chi. (retch)

• Walking though the war zone. It worked in the animated movie because that was Li Shang's father's army. It was a moment of vulnerability that Li shares with Mulan, as he witnesses the ugly truth of war. Contrasted with a light hearted scene about the soldiers ideal lady, it hits so hard. In the remake, they just be like, ooh PG rated bloodless war zone. Spooky.

• The remake of the avalanche scene. As I mentioned before, this worked when Mulan as a character was clever and thinks outside of the box. Here, she was clever when she never was before. That's why that scene didn't have as much of an impact in my opinion.

• The weird scene when Mulan is banished and the witch comes to tell her about the plan to attack the emperor. There's no clear motive, other than she hates her captor and wants him dead? That's unclear too. The only possible motive is because she understands what it feels like to be a woman with chi and their oppression creates a weak ass bond.

• Mulan storming back into camp to tell them what to do even when they made it clear that they'll kill her if she comes back. And then the LISTEN to her. She's not persuasive, she's a woman, a witch, who's only intel is another witch, yes, let's believe her because she quoted the commander. Get outta here.

• There's no drag scene. I'm disappointed.

• The stupid capture of the Emperor. arrows and ropes. haha.

• The corridor fight. A bunch of amateur (not even fully trained) soldiers cannot win against a group of highly trained assassins. No way in hell. And why did Mulan bolt the door? Did I miss something?

• The witch dying.

• The entirety of Mulan vs big bad is complete tomfoolery.

• Them MILKING her "devotion to family" bullshit. In the poem, she just wanted to go home and hear a dress. And what is she devoted to? A father who wants her to hide who she is? A mother who wants her to be a proper woman? Meh.

• This:

• "Dad: And what is this fourth virtue I see?

• General: Read it out loud, Mulan.

• Mulan: Devotion to family.

• Dad: She has brought honor to us all."

What I did like:

• Mulan not knowing when to shower (lol).

• The archer dude, who accidentally hit the target in the sucky montage and he was stuck as the archer for the rest of the movie. His entrance with that double knotted arrow behind the back shot was the worst thing I've ever seen in a fighting scene but it's so bad its kinda good.

• The first witch vs Mulan scene. When the Witch throws the dagger at Mulan, what saves her is the binding that had hid her female identity. The dagger killed her male persona, and like a phoenix, she rises from the ashes, now as her true self to fight the war the way she wants. It's great symbolism, if they didn't punch you in the face with another phoenix sighting.

• The before war jitters. I like how they slowed down the pacing of the movie, to show that war is scary, and fear is a real thing that soldiers face. It might have been because I just read the Annabeth and Piper scene in the Mars shrine in Sparta, but it was a nice touch. (sorry if you haven't read Blood of Olympus).

• The bunnies. After all, when two bunnies are running side by side, it's hard to tell which one is male and which one is female.

"But when the two rabbits run side by side,

How can you tell the female from the male?"

What I would have done:

Make it R rated.

Make it bloody.

Make it a Glory style war movie. Saving Private Ryan. Dunkirk.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Dear Disney,

Pretty pretty please don't screw up Percy Jackson again PLEASE I'm begging you.